Dear One,
There are the big things we hold onto that are obvious heavy burdens. But then there are the millions of tiny things we’re holding that are so small we hardly notice the slow death by paper cuts.
40
A few months after I turned 40, my partner was diagnosed with terminal cancer. At the same time, Apple changed the iPhone passcode from four numbers to six.
My thinking was, “Let me start with where I am. A milestone.” 40.
52
Gary was 12 years older than me. We were both Dragons: he a wooden dragon and I, a fire dragon. We didn’t know much about the Chinese Zodiac, but when your sign is a magical mythical creature, you’re more than happy to adopt the philosophical system.
My love was 52 years old when we got the news. 52.
4052
“Here’s where I am on the age timeline and here’s where my love is.”
Two stable, vital, vibrant dragons somewhere in the middle of life.
We can do this.
53
Every time a new chemo combo was introduced, I would check his numbers in the patient portal. Only once did his numbers improve. All the other times it was not looking good.
“Let him make it to his next birthday.”
He did. And then three weeks later, he completed his life. 53.
405253
This became my iPhone passcode.
According to Google, the average person unlocks their phone 80 times a day.
80 times a day plugging in these numbers. The numbers of a desperate woman clinging to her lover with magical numerical thinking.
80 times a day for the past (almost) 10 years.
80 tiny paper cuts a day for 10 years. That’s 292160 paper cuts (80x3652).
* * * * * *
Less than 24 hours ago, out of nowhere, I created a new passcode.
No ritual.
No plan.
Just suddenly.
And no, it’s not 292160 (our paper cut number). That would be too dark.
No, my dear, it’s a happy sequence, random and full of possibility.
What might seem easy and insignificant, like changing a passcode on an iPhone, just gave me a wave of relief I can’t adequately describe.
My invitation to you is:
What are you holding onto, my love, that’s quietly hurting you? Is today the day you can let it go?
On the other side of grief is clarity that continues to unfold for a lifetime.
If you have a similar story, I’d love to hear it. If you would like support or guidance, I’m here for it.
All my love to you,
Jamey
Grief is one of the many themes we explore whilst reading The Mahabharata. We’re about to begin our epic journey. Are you coming? It’s a safe space for Self-discovery. With friends. And despite some of the heavy themes, I assure you, it’s fun. Sign up today. No worries if you’re not quite up to speed at our first meeting on June 21st. I’ll help you. Come on. Let’s go.
Hello! I’m Jamey and I teach Vedic meditation all over the world. I’m also the founder of Veda Vyasa Book Club (VVBC): the International book club devoted to developing consciousness through Vedic literature.
This one hits. I definitely have a tendency to hold onto things out of misplaced loyalty, nostalgia, or fear. Thank you, as always, for sharing your thoughts. 💚
This one affects me deeply, thank you 🙏🏼